Today is a rainy day…as I posted this, it is already 10.55 p.m Malaysia time…the rain has been falling since 4 p.m….not much could do when it is raining, except having a good nap…but, I really do enjoy watching rain….rainy day bring back memories and sometimes I smile alone thinking about things I done in the past….

Well, today I read her blog, just like every day I do, just to know what happening with her…well you see, I'm not a stalker, and I got no other way to know about her, since she refuses to reply to any text message I sent to her and don't ever will she to pick up my call…so I think through her blog, I can get to know about her recent condition and what really happenings with her daily life…

I know, things are not go easy as the way I would wish it to become to, and I believe neither do she wishing the same…and I know, both of us never wanted thing to be this way and none of us even make it worst…you know, it hurts when the person you care the most is outside of your reach, and most of the time whenever you trying to reach them, they refused to…that is what happening between both of us in the recent time….

It hurts, and it tears my heart apart whenever I read her blog, as she tells how much she having a bad day…I wish I would be there, together with her to help her to face every bad things that happened in her life…and it tears me apart, whenever she preferred to look for her buddies instead of me to spend her time with and share her story…. I know, she got the freedom to choose to hang out with whom but I, on the other hand always feeling guilty to do so…

You see, when you are in love, you will never find it amusing to hang out with someone else, as compared to your beloved ones…and now, when she no longer pick me, I feel really lost and I emptiness started to shadowing my life…I got chased by my own thoughts and my own memories…I find it hard to do anything without her and I find it impossible for me to go on without her around…. I'm weak, I really do need her support and it killing me inside when she, unintentionally spent her time with her friends, neglecting me and ignore me, and try to stay away as far as she can….

Sometimes, I just keep it deep down in my heart, as I know what she will respond to whenever I brought this up… I just wish she had a great happy life, even I need to sacrifice my own freedom and my own happiness…I just want to see her happy and I couldn't wish more…even if she need to hang out with some other guys, it's ok with me even deep down I blame myself for the reason why she never pick me, instead of her new friends…..I know, she blame herself for doing whatever she had done, and I already forgive her for doing so…

I hope, if she ever read this, I just want her to know that until today, I never lose my faith towards her…I know, I have done a lot of bad things to her along our relationship and I am trying to repent for whatever I have done…I know, it's hard to believe, but in my present case, I just wish you consider, and think carefully….what am I to you and what exactly me to you…I can never get through this without you and I really do need you in my life…I know, I'm no longer the one that you can rely on to hear you story, to share your problems and I am no longer the one that can bring you happiness…I know of my capabilities and incapability, and I know how much you hate I'm saying this but…I need you to know, that I really do love you, and I never let go...

p/s: you know how much I hate the idea of "finding someone else", because you already know that I really hate the idea of playing around with someone hearts for the sake of seeking for some relieve and happiness when you do such things to me….and you do realized how much I hate to break peoples heart, as I know how much it hurts…